My Classmate Is An Arrancar
by WhereIsMyBacon
Summary: Having gotten a Gigai from the infamous storekeeper and transferred to Karakura high. Ulquiorra is finding life as a human much more frustrating than he had thought. Especially when it came to that oblivious woman he did all of this for...[UlquiHime]
1. My Classmate Is An Arrancar

**Disclaimer:** If I owned Bleach, strange things will happen to Ulquiorra and Orihime. Alas, I don't.

**Chapter 1 : My Classmate Is An Arrancar**

"Nice to meet you, my name is Ulquiorra Schiffer. I come from Greenland, my interests are ren'ai games, watching anime, and collecting figurines. My favourite mangaka is K-bo Taito, and..."

"Ulk--what?"

"...wow, a foreigner in our school..."

"But his Japanese is so good!"

"They have anime in Greenland...?"

"He's an otaku!"

"But he's a...pretty good-looking otaku..."

"It's always the good looking ones..."

"Aii...I was thinking of getting to know him too..."

Orihime put a hand to her forehead.

She nearly cried out of embarrassment for his sake. Ren'ai games? What had Urahara been teaching him?! Actually, did he have any idea what he was saying at all?

------------------------------------

_"Kisuke-san..." A small, meek girl with antenna-like bangs hanging down to her nose opened the sliding door a crack. "Inoue-san's still there, Kisuke-san..."_

_The blonde man reclining on the tatami sighed. These children, they never give up. First it was that trip to Soul Society (ok, so he had a hand in the circumstances), then it was Hueco Mundo (alright, alright, he had a hand in that too!), and now..._

_"This must be the most ridiculous thing I have ever done..." Urahara chuckled, getting up, "A gigai for a...hollow...eh?"_

------------------------------------

"This is what...will help me live in the human world?"

The black-haired, human-shaped Vasto Lorde Menos known as Ulquiorra Schiffer, previously Espada Cuarta of late Aizen Sousuke's army, looked with certain disdain at the replica of himself standing before him. Its eyes were closed and devoid of tear marks and half a helmet. Thankfully, it looked like it was capable of retaining a similar poker-face.

"That's right," The strange storekeeper said, "Since you are a hollow, it's different from the other gigai I've made. This one--" He paused and cleared his throat for effect, "Will convert the food you eat into spiritual energy, so you don't have to run around gobbling up human spirits. It also serves as an insulator from detection by other shinigami and hollows. Just don't pop out of it when there's no need to, you'd make every shinigami's cell phone within a 50 mile radius go haywire. And of course, this is the human world, you have a lot to learn, such as..."

Ulquiorra wasn't sure he was listening, but in any case. That woman wanted him to come here, and he found that he couldn't go against her wishes for some reason.

"How am I supposed to...wear it?" He finally asked the only question on his mind.

The storekeeper knew he wasn't listening.

One shunpo.

The arrancar felt a not-so-soft poke on his lower back. And lost his balance. Straight at the gigai.

"That is how..." Seeing the non-corporeal being disappear into the artifical body via poke by the cane, Urahara said, "You wear it."

The gigai twitched, then opened its eyes.

First thing it did was try to impale the man in yukata and sandals, but found that it didn't work like that.

Hand hit cane. Ow.

"How does it feel, Ulquiorra-kun?" Urahara asked, somewhat cheekily.

The hollow-in-gigai didn't answer.

"You can't come out without the new and improved soul candy that works on hollows as well as shinigami, but sadly, I don't have any stock of that just yet..."

If looks could kill, Urahara would be dead...all over again.

"Now, I've enrolled you in Karakura High under my name as my distant aunt's cousin's neighbour's cat's kitten's owner's son. Before you go though, there are some things you should be aware of..."

------------------------------------

And that...was how all this came to be. Orihime knew Urahara-san would get a great kick out of this with her hollow-friend. It was a shame she had a part-time job and couldn't be there to keep things at a sensible level (oi, Orihime?)...

But that gigai...he does look good in it. Or rather, the gigai itself was a perfect replica of him without his telltale arrancar mask and face markings.

What was she thinking?! Orihime found her cheeks going a bit hot. He was just that one arrancar who had been kind to her during that whole time in Hueco Mundo...and just happened to be the reason she was still alive. She tried to return the Hougyoku to the state before it existed, but Aizen figured out what she was doing and ordered her executed. It was Ulquiorra who had hidden her and reported falsely to Aizen. Then the former Shinigami captain betrayed his hollow underlings by using them as an ingredient in his concoction to make the King's Key. Which made the lower arrancars turn against her, seeing her as the reason of their downfall. The last thing she remembered was hollow-masked Ulquiorra fending off a white sea, with her safe in the crook of his left arm...

Anyways! What was she thinking? She must be crazy to have asked him to come live in the human world, despite the jaw-dropping reactions from Kurosaki-kun and the others. And even more surprisingly, he agreed.

"...Right." Ochi-sensei didn't question the new student's seemingly unhealthy hobbies, "Since Kurosaki transferred away, you can take his seat."

Oh...that's right. Orihime suddenly remembered. Kurosaki-kun...decided to stay in Soul Society...didn't he?

But...since when did that fact start to not...bother her as much? So much that she almost forgot he...wasn't here anymore...

The black-haired green-eyed...apparent teenager (heaven knows how old he actually is...) took his seat without a word. Orihime watched him with some concern, wondering if he could get use to the sudden change in environment.

His emerald-coloured eyes darted her way, there were no searching glances in other directions, as if he knew where she was, and that she was watching him.

The girl quickly lowered her gaze, cheeks flushing.

Why...are things becoming this way?

tbc

------------------------------------

**A/N:** Having gotten fully into this pairing, here's to them both surviving until the end, and this is what I think will happen...XDD Reviews are my motivation -hums-.


	2. This Person Is Definitely A Weirdo

**Chapter 2 : This Person Is Definitely A Weirdo**

It was breaktime. Tatsuki cracked her knuckles.

"Hime!!"

It's coming...

Yes! She knew it! It was the flying glomp this time. Of course, it would take a few seconds for Orihime herself to react to such an attack. But the trained fighter Tatsuki was, she could smell the reek of Chizuru's unabashed intentions of publicly groping Orihime a million miles away.

However, before she could land a kick anywhere on the perverted lesbian, another foot that wasn't hers came down on said lesbian's back. Effectively making the red-haired girl fall splat on the classroom floor.

Tatsuki blinked. What happened just then was supposed to be _her _trademark reaction...

Everyone in the class went silent. Orihime turned around in her seat.

The foot belonged to that good-looking foreigner otaku transfer student, whose name no one could remember.

"Chizuru-chan! And Ul--Ulquiorra-san!"

Yea, that was it.

"Was this human trying to attack you, Inoue Orihime?" He asked in that cool, unruffled voice, foot still bearing force on the bespectacled girl's back.

"Chizuru-chan? No, no, you're mistaken, Ulquiorra-san. She's a friend...she's just...ehehehehehe..." The orange-haired girl scratched her head and laughed helplessly. She should have to explain to him sometime that referring to people as "human" wasn't exactly proper etiquette...

The former Espada gave Orihime a searching look, as if trying to discern whether she was telling the truth. Then, slowly, the black-haired teen removed his foot and turned away from the trio.

"BWEH!" Chizuru let out a gasp for air on the floor. Everyone in the classroom shuddered and edged closer to the walls. _So she wasn't breathing all that time the new kid was stepping on her?_

"...scary person..."

"First day and hitting on Inoue already..."

"Weirdo."

As the orange-haired girl dropped down to see if her molestor was alright. Tatsuki watched as the transfer student, Ulk-something, strut out of the classroom as if nothing had happened.

Where had she...seen him before?

------------------------------------

_It was as if by some unspoken consent, the surviving Espada gathered outside massive stone ruins that used to be the magnificent castle of Las Noches._

_No one said a word. The six Espada, or rather, just normal (yet powerful) Arrancar by now, nodded curtly to each other. One by one with a dull hum, the white-clad hollows disappeared, possibly never to see each other again, until two are left._

_Grimmjow turned to Ulquiorra._

_"You can't be fucking serious."_

_When the other arrancar didn't answer, Grimmjow let out a howling laugh much reminiscent of the creature that was his masked form._

_"Grimmjow Jaegerjaques..." After a few seconds in the racket, the black-haired former Espada Cuarta finally opened his mouth, "Shouldn't you be...going?"_

_"Right." Getting ahold of himself again, the blue haired arrancar turned his back, "One question though, smartass...Why?"_

_The boundless sand dunes of Hueco Mundo...the inverted moon in the perpetually starless night.._

_"This world is meaningless and so are we who live in it..."_

_"I forget you liked talking bullshit." commented Grimmjow. "So you reckon you'd find 'meaning' in that trash-filled world?"_

_"Aizen-sama never relieved me from the last task I was supposed to be carrying out." Ulquiorra answered in his quiet fashion._

_"Aizen's dead." The half-jaw arrancar stated with more than a little glee._

_"I respect his wishes. The final task has not been completed, it is meaningless for me to stay here."_

_"Bloody hell!" Cried the blue-haired arrancar, "You really are telling the truth! Aizen-_sama_'s totally not a lame excuse! My jaw's going to drop off at the amazing effort you're making for him!"_

_"..."_

_Waving his hand dismissively, the hot-tempered arrancar walked away. "Spare me the details, I'd puke."_

_Pulling a hand out of his hakama, Ulquiorra did the gesture in mid-air to summon Garganta, the gates between the worlds._

_"Farewell, Grimmjow Jaegerjaques."_

_"See you never, asshole."_

------------------------------------

"Ichigo that bastard abandoned us!!!"

"Hai, hai."

"Just gone like that! And without a proper goodbye too! Did he ever see us as best friends??"

"He had his own agenda, you saw."

"So what if he's one of those people in the black robes? Shinigami? How will I live on without someone to try and physically harm in the morning?!"

"Aren't you the one who always gets injured...?"

"And why is Orihime-chan so friendly with that new guy?"

"Inoue's friendly with everyone."

"But why HIM? You heard his introduction, Mizuiro, he's an otaku! He might look all sane and stuff but who knows what kind of lecherous thoughts might be going through his mind when he's with her?"

"The same could be said about you regarding Inoue."

"...I'm hurt, Mizuiro."

"Hai, hai."

------------------------------------

Lunch time. Ishida Uryuu stared. Sado Yasutora stared.

Not to be outdone, Ulquiorra Schiffer crossed his arms and stared back, knowing he could be quite intimidating. On his lap was a curry bun neatly packed in clear plastic on top of a book whose title was obscured save for the words "Guide" and "Urahara".

Inoue Orihime was fighting hard the urge to faint dead away from the tension.

It was times like these that she wished Kurosaki-kun and Kuchiki-san were here to lighten up the atmosphere with their trademark (?) bickering and all manners of breaking down barriers between people. But alas, she couldn't depend on them now...

"A--ano..." Tentatively, she began, "Ulquiorra-san can't come out of his gigai...so...can we eat now?"

Ishida pushed his glasses, "We can't be sure. Even though the war is over, Hollows are still our enemy, and always will be." Sado nodded in agreement.

"Do not be mistaken, Quincy." The Arrancar replied in his calm tone, "I am not here to fight, and I do not like to fight trash."

"You might want to evaluate your current situation before you open your mouth again, Arrancar." The Quincy retorted in equal coolness, "We destroy hollows. Shinigami are like charity workers compared to us."

"Don't say that, Ulquiorra-san saved my life...Well, Ishida-san too--" Orihime cut in, frantic. "I...I just want everyone to get along well, so...so that's why I asked Ulquiorra-san to come live in Karakura Town..."

The four slipped into awkward silence again. Orihime felt her cheeks burning. Tatsuki had told her before that men sometimes bark too much, but rarely bite. She hoped this was one of those situations.

Cheer up, Inoue Orihime! It's just Ulquiorra-san's first day at school, they'll have plenty of time to learn to get along, won't they?

Seeing that she was uncomfortable, Ulquiorra decided he would ignore the four-eyed Quincy for now, and turned his attention to the package on his lap.

So this is something humans eat...Using his superior Vasto Lorde intelligence, it took no more than 10 seconds to figure out that the tough outer layer was not to be devoured, but ripped open (like some hollows he had eaten before). An unfamiliar, but rather interesting scent wafted from the torn plastic.

He took a bite of the yellow-brown round thing.

"This is...different." He concluded.

"Ah--of course, Ulquiorra-san's never tried human food, have you?" Orihime was thankful for the change in subject, "We have a lot of ingredients! Mixing and matching them creates some really interesting flavours, like soy sauce on mashed potatoes mixed with garlic and..."

She did not notice that Ishida and Sado were starting to sweat waterfalls. Ulquiorra seemed to be listening attentatively to the girl's ramblings, which was quite worrying.

"I see..." The arrancar said after Orihime had done explaining the wonderful uses of paprika on dessert, "This is like Gillian class Menos, except softer and with less fluid."

"Ah! So Menos tastes like curry bun except harder and juicier! Understood!"

It was then that the two other, quite sane persons realised the conversation had slipped out of the human dimension.

tbc

**A/N:** I like writing stories with no plot, so sue me! -waves arms around frantically- Yea, we need Ulqui to get used to earth life before real romance can happen, ne?


	3. And normal humans do

In which Urahara has himself a little fun and Ulquiorra finds a new place to stay... 

**Chapter 3 : And normal humans do...**

In order to facilitate his life now in the living realm, Urahara had kindly provided the Arrancar with a handbook aptly titled "Urahara Kisuke's Guide to Human Lifestyles".

Which might as well be "Urahara Kisuke's Book of How to Make Arrancars Mortally Embarrass Themselves in Public".

Having hentai doujinshi furtively shoved into one's schoolbag was one thing (it was ridiculous, the girls had started to scream and whisper behind their hands when he took out one while rummaging for a pencil, humans are strange). Following the book and finding that it wasn't _exactly_ how humans lived all along (or was actually how they did 40 years ago) was quite another thing.

Once, he had tried to make conversation. "Humans love jokes." The book told him, and there was a list of jokes kindly provided. Ulquiorra naturally did not understand them in the least, but hey, if they helped him to get along...

"Do you know how to make holy water?" He once asked a male student he was not acquainted with whilst standing in line to buy stationery. The poor boy jumped a little and glanced sideways, trying to make sure Ulquiorra wasn't talking to anyone else but him before giving the former Espada a perplexed look. Can't blame him, really. It wasn't everyday that the rest of us gets asked questions about the manufacture of sanctified liquids.

"Erm...how?" The student finally gave in.

"You boil the hell out of it." Replied Ulquiorra, deadpan.

It wasn't a hard joke, even Ulquiorra got it after a little bit of thought. If you get rid of the hell in the water, it would become holy, wouldn't it? Sometimes he ought to give humans a little more credit for their brains, at least the ones that think of the jokes.

He never saw that particular male student again.

He did not understand why the rest of humankind except for Orihime still avoided him like the plague. It was amazing that Orihime had been oblivious to all the rumours concerning him that was the talk of the school (not that he's aware of them, either). That was just the way she was, never harbouring any mean thoughts of anyone.

It was only when the class representative decided to have a little "talk" with him that Ulquiorra realised something was wrong. The representative seemed quite apprehensive.

"Schiffer-san, it has come to my attention that...erm...you are causing quite a lot of female students distress lately."

"..."

"Well...um...you see, there was that camera incident..."

"It was proper etiquette. I was informed." Ulquiorra was defiant, "It was them who were impolite, they ran away when I offered the rolls of white paper too."

"...Not exactly, and let us not mention the toilet paper..." The class rep rubbed his forehead.

"It is a tool of many uses."

"No, Schiffer-san. Sometimes it would be pocket tissues or hankerchiefs. And they aren't streamers..."

And so on and so forth, the conversation continued until Ulquiorra became skeptical enough about the Book to approach Urahara Kisuke, that damned storekeeper, on his own.

The blonde and dodgy man took a long breath on his pipe.

"You actually took it seriously?" Urahara gave a howl, waving his cane about and slapping his own leg. "You may be an Espada, but you're the most damn gullible and idiotic one I've ever encountered!"

There was boom that shook the building. Shihouin Yoruichi, currently sunning herself on the roof, nearly fell off.

Ulquiorra did not betray a trace of emotion on his face as he stormed away from the Urahara shop. To be in a gigai with no offensive power except for what the common human could do. To be unable to fend off objects with just your hand (as he had painfully learned with Urahara Kisuke's cane, and today, his table as well). To be helpless. To be completely and utterly trash-like in every imaginable way. It was irrtating, humiliating, and crippling. What were these emotions? What were these frustrations? What the hell is a human?

When the arrancar came to his senses, he realised he was hopelessly lost and without a destination. He sure as bloody hell isn't going back to that place. Ulquiorra closed his eyes and felt the darkness, it was a good thing he still had keen reiatsu senses even in this insulating suit of uselessness.

There was only one reiatsu he was familiar with. One that he had acquainted himself with on the second visit to the living realm as Espada. It was a soft, warm reiatsu. Not rasp and offensive like those of shinigami and hollows.

The source of reiatsu was not far from here.

* * *

Urahara drew a long breath on his pipe. Satisfied with his deed. 

_I'm sorry, Ulquiorra-kun._

_But to be with her...you still have much to endure.__

* * *

_

Orihime opened the door.

"Ul...quiorra-san? E-eh?"

Without a word, the former-Espada invited himself in. Orihime, who was quite used to this normally irrational and kick-to-the-groin-invoking action if it was any other man in the middle of the night, closed the door and trotted after him.

"Umm, aren't you staying with Urahara-san?" She asked after placing a cup of tea before her stoic-faced visitor. He took a sip and also the liberty to keep the answer to himself for as long as he saw fit. But Orihime learned to be patient with her former-guardian, as Ulquiorra always had random spurts of verbal diarrhoea punctuated by long, long periods of silent-contemplation.

"I'm going to live here from now on." He announced.

Orihime nearly fell sideways. Say what?

"B-but..."

"This is not a negotiation, woman." Those emerald eyes were fixed on her again, cold, unrelenting, yet...pleaing?

"Did...something happen with Urahara-san, or Shihouin-san?" Orihime asked, she could be bright if she put her mind into it.

Ulquiorra did not answer, Orihime was somehow relieved, since she was very fond of the Urahara couple and could do without hearing about them compared with trash.

"I guess Ulquiorra-san always does as he wants, ne?" She mustered a small smile, "Bu...but, my apartment's really small..."

"I see no problem with that."

"And my cooking...people always say it's...very unique."

"I am tired of eating hollows."

"Ahh...well...I guess," Orihime scratched her head, unable to think of any way this Arrancar could not live with her, other than the fact that...

"But...I am a...girl..."

"So?"

"Girls...can't...live with boys! I mean under the same roof and alone and stuff, Tatsuki says it's not right..."

"Your room at Las Noches was in my palace, woman." Ulquiorra snapped matter-of-factly, getting impatient about the quibbling, "There is no difference, and I see no reason to indulge in such unnecessary details. All I am as--"

Asking...?

"--saying is that I shall live here henceforth. None of your human eccentricities interest me--"

Orihime felt a little hurt.

"Why is Ulquiorra-san is always like this..."

The former-Espada stopped talking and looked towards the girl. She was turned slightly away from him, her hair veiling her face.

"Why do you always...say things to seem cold when all you need to do is..."

An irksome feeling arose somewhere in Ulquiorra, when had he encountered this feeling before?

_Pan! (1)_

Oh. Right.

"I-Inoue Orihime."

She looked up, her eyes were a little red but otherwise dry.

"I...want to live here."

She looked at him for a few seconds, then frowned.

"Still not a negotiation?"

"No." He replied. Orihime looked a bit surprised.

Ulquiorra turned his head sideways, this wasn't the first time he was unable to look her straight in the eyes. Especially --Hueco Mundo forbid!-- for what he thought he was about to say next.

"Not negotiation. But a...request."

Orihime broke into a smile. And he was suddenly reminded of the sun.

"Isn't it so much better to be honest, Ulquiorra-san?"

tbc

* * *

**A/N:** I miss Ulquiorra so much ;-; Goddamnit aren't tsundere so adorable? And long live no plot! Reviews would be nice. :D Thank you for all the reviews so far too! Let's hope Kubo brings Emospada back after his hiatus ;-;

(1) - The sound effect in the background during the slap scene XD


	4. Orihime's weapon of mass destruction

**Chapter 4: Orihime's weapon of mass destruction **

"HE WHAT?!"

Orihime panicked and frantically tried to cover her best friend's mouth, but to no avail.

"Shhh, Tatsuki-chan! It's alright! I've agreed!" The orange-haired girl tried her best to pacify said karate black-belt's rage and disbelief. She had thought it would be alright to tell her friend that Ulquiorra, who found it difficult to get along with the Uraharas, had decided to move in with her. But she might as well have told Tatsuki that Ulquiorra ties her up, gags her with a rag, rips up her clothing and paints purple bunnies on her naked body every night.

Wait, Orihime, rewind. Did you actually just _think_ that?

Bunnies aren't purple, are they?

"I can't believe you allowed a guy to live in with you!" Tatsuki continued to rave even when she promised to keep her voice low. "And a guy like _him_!"

By the way Tatsuki said 'him', you would have thought Ulquiorra delighted in the slaughtering of kittens and drinking of their blood. Orihime put her head to one side in confusion. There wasn't anything wrong with Ulquiorra-san, was there? She had gotten along with him fine for months in Hueco Mundo. He had shown nothing but respect for her, or respect for their distance...but he was nevertheless sensitive and considerate in the most unexpected moments, switching almost seamlessly between the cold and callous in the next moment. In other words, Ulquiorra-san was still a mystery to her. But she quite enjoyed his company so far.

"Don't tell me you haven't heard, Orihime!" Tatsuki told the girl severely, "everyone in the school knows he's a sick, perverted otaku!"

"Ota...ku?" Orihime repeated, then realised it must have been because of his opening speech in class. But she was understandably oblivious to his other questionable behaviour induced by his following of the Urahara manual. "N-no way! Ulquiorra-san's not an otaku! He's--"

She can't really tell Tatsuki...could she? That he was the prison guard during her times in Hueco Mundo. And he was really a member of the enemy..._was_. Why, it would be worse than painting bunnies...

"Ehehehehe..." She could only do the innocent laugh that makes Tatsuki sigh.

"Well, today's Friday." The black-haired girl announced, "I'm staying over, whether you like it or not. I'll make sure he never lays a finger on you!"

The plan: Protect the Integrity of the Princess from the Perverted Otaku.

"Ahh!" Orihime clapped her hands together in delight, "It'll be a slumber party! I'll get some groceries tonight then! And we'll cook honey mushroom curry with onion melon ice-cream!"

* * *

"Ahaha...I don't think I have enough groceries after all..." Orihime scratched her head as she sweatdropped. 

Chizuru, who had overheard their conversation after all, had forced Tatuski to bring her along. Asano Keigo, who overheard Chizuru's rantings, got to know the story and decided he would join the crusade. Ishida Uryuu, who had heard from Asano Keigo's large mouth about Orihime and Ulquiorra's cohabitation, stormed on him and demanded to go. So in total, the number of males in Orihime's flat numbered three. And Tatsuki thought with a devastated groan, how much that defeated the point.

"I bought snacks from the convenience store." Uryuu pushed up his glasses and held up two large bags of food. Orihime's unique cuisine does not get along well with his stomach.

"T-thank you, Ishida-kun...but," The hostess said after received the bags, "I thought it was just Tatsuki-chan..."

"We're all here to make sure that guy doesn't take advan--bweh!" Keigo started to say just as Tatsuki elbowed him not-so-lightly in the stomach.

Said "guy" was sitting at the central table and drinking tea as if nothing concerned him in the world. Not even when the five newcomers were looking at him with utmost distrust in their eyes.

Orihime swore she could have fainted from the tension, she tended to do that a lot ever since Ulquiorra-san came to Karakura.

"Inoue Orihime," The former espada spoke up, "what exactly are these people doing here?"

"Ah! Um...These are my friends, Ulquiorra-san. Tatsuki, Chizuru, and Ishida-kun you've already met (Chizuru shuddered). And this is Asano-kun..."

"I have no interest in their names, all I ask is what they are doing here."

"It's a slumber party!" Orihime said cheerfully before anyone could react violently to the arrancar's haughty remarks. "So let's all have fun, ne?"

* * *

...If having fun was _this_. The orange haired girl thought in dismay. They were all sitting around the table like friends do, the snacks were eaten like friends do, the card games were played like friends do. But what was this strange atmosphere? Why was no one laughing? Why were they all staring at Ulquiorra-san like he was some criminal? Then she realised like a strike of lightning from heaven. 

"I-I'm sorry!" Orihime jumped up, "I'm so sorry! I can't believe it! I haven't poured drinks for everyone!"

That wasn't the point, Hime...

She dashed to the kitchen, but instead of tea, she brought out a large bottle of some suspicious looking blue liquid.

"I made this myself!" She announced cheerily, "It always makes me happy, so...I think...everyone will cheer up if we have some! I call it Orihime's Drink of Happy Happy Go Lucky!" With that, she poured a generous helping of the drink to every person, who sat with undetermined expressions on their face. Everyone was aware of Orihime's extraordinary culinary 'talents'. And even more suspicious was the excessively cheerful name. However, Ulquiorra drained the cup nonchalantly. Seeing that he did, the rest of the Karakura classmates followed suit...

* * *

The following week, everyone returned to school as normal. No one really found out what happened on that day of the slumber party except for the fact that none of the participants remembered any of it. The phenomenon of Ulquiorra living at Orihime's flat was never questioned again. 

tbc...after the AN.

* * *

**A/N:** It's so convenient haha. If you don't want to hear me ramble, you can scroll down to have a look at what did happen. 

This story...I know it has no plot as of now. But trust me, there will be one. But it probably won't become obvious until the last 3 or 4 chapters.

Ichigo went to Soul Society...so I said in the beginning of this fic. But he will return for a chapter, for those who like him. I just kicked him off most of the fic because I don't like him that much XD It won't be next chapter, probably in one close to the end. So will Rukia.

I'm lacking on inspiration, don't blame me. Sent flames and hatemail to Kubo. And I need **reviews**. D:

* * *

Ulquiorra looked down at the girl sleeping in his lap, the rest of her body curled up on the floor. Sometimes she stirred, muttering something incomprehensible in her deep slumber. He placed down his cup of Orihime's Drink of Happy Happy Go Lucky onto the table and ran his fingers through her soft hair. The hair that reminds him of the sun. It was silent in the flat except for the steady breathing and odd snore from the other prostrate bodies that were strewn around the room. 

_About an hour earlier, Chizuru had tried to peel Orihime's clothes off and 'eat' her...it would have alarmed Ulquiorra if Chizuru had not thought Orihime was a banana. Then Tatsuki tripped and conveniently tackled the red-haired girl down. Orihime, seeing that it was so fun, jumped into the jumbled of limbs. __What ended up was a scene that any straight man would have found hard to resist (They were clothed! But that never deterred anyone) if it weren't for the fact that the males present either lacked hormones or weren't sober at the time. _

_Ishida and Keigo were crying with their arms over each other's shoulders. The boy with glasses was half-complaining half-sobbing about his father and how he never got enough family love. Keigo was crying in sympathy with Ishida's plight. They ended in deciding they would go on an adventure of "3000 Leagues In Search Of Father"._

_"HOW COME YOU NEVER SMILE, URU-CHAN?" Orihime demanded in capital letters, as she crawled beside him after having too much fun with the girls. "GRIMMIE-CHAN CAN SMILE. HOW COME YOU NEVER SMILE?"_

_"..._Grimmie-chan_ only smiles after murdering something in cold blood..."_

_"I SEE." said the girl, "URU-CHAN IS SO VERY KIND AND NICE COMPARED TO GRIMMIE-CHAN. BUT URU-CHAN SHOULD SMILE MORE, YOU KNOW LIKE THIIIS." She pressed her fingers to the corner of her mouth and tried to pull them upwards to her ear, which unbeknownst to herself, made her look like a frog._

_Then she fell down onto his lap, spilling the rest of her mystical drink onto the tatami floor. A sliver of annoyance crept over Ulquiorra just as he was about to reprimand her for being a stupid, clumsy woman, when he realised...she was fast asleep._

She was so innocent in this sleep. Unlike the troubled ones in Hueco Mundo, where she had nightmares often, and would keep herself awake to never let them visit her.

The drink with mysterious ingredients didn't affect him in ways that had affected humans, perhaps Urahara had built his Gigai so it turned everything he consumed into spiritual energy. If hollows had acted like these humans in Hueco Mundo, they would have been gobbled up like popcorn.

But perhaps it wouldn't be entirely correct to say that Orihime's Drink of Happy Happy Go Lucky had no effect whatsoever on this arrancar. He didn't know what this feeling was, the weight of the girl's head on his lap, the texture of her hair through his fingers.

A person would call his expression a 'smile'. But he didn't know that himself.

tbc (next chapter)


	5. Ulquiorra finds a sidekick

Half the jokes in this chapter would probably not be funny to someone who's not familiar with Japanese Otaku culture. It's very stereotyped though...But enjoy nevertheless... I will include some explanations in the AN afterwards.**  
**

**Chapter 5 : Ulquiorra Finds A Sidekick**

To not raise any unnecessary suspicion, Orihime and Ulquiorra decided to go to school separately.

"Good Morning Schiffer-kun!"

"Yo, Schiffer!"

A few girls waved and giggled, greeting the black-haired teen as he pulled open the sliding door and entered the classroom. Several of the male students who were in the classroom to begin with also raised their head and nodded to him. The arrancar nodded back. Even though he had lived in the company of humans for a little over a month now, he still felt reluctant to speak when not prompted to.

Orihime had already arrived before him. Upon noticing the 180 degree change in attitude of the girls towards Ulquiorra, she smiled a little to herself. Two weeks ago, none of the other girls would ever dream of talking to the Arrancar. Their metamorphosis came abruptly after a certain incident...

* * *

_-2 weeks ago-_

"Urukiora Shifah-san, is it? Hah. Hah."

Ulquiorra studied the human before him. He had seen a lot of humans, they were quite hard to distinguish sometimes with all their black hair, brown eyes and no mask fragments. But this person was quite...unique.

First, he was round. Well, there were a few round arrancars, and he was reminded of Szayelaporro's bouncing fraccions...Bumina and Lelona? Anyways, this human was rather round, and he sweat profusely for some reason. He also made puffing noises from his mouth, which hung a little open, showing large, yellow incisors. On his head was a clump of hair that was shiny and stuck together with bits of white things. There was a pair of thick round glasses sitting on his nose, which made his already small eyes look minuscule.

What was more strange was that he was very short. Now, Ulquiorra was not a very tall individual, which he was quite aware of. Most human males were taller than he, or at least the same size. To think of it, he hadn't met one that was shorter than he who wasn't a much younger human.

"Shifah-san?" The human panted, "Ah, um, well, I'm Okamura from class 2-F. I heard a lot about you, Shifah-san. You may call me Shizuka-chan if you wish. Since it's the name of my favourite girl from the game 'Gokibeki Memorial', but you must know all about it! Of course Yabuki is also very cute, but tsunderekko's are so..."

Ulquiorra frowned. What was this human babbling about? If he was not mistaken, Shizuka was a girl's name, and this person was undoubtedly a male. What was this memorial he must know about? Some kind of human national festival?

"What do you want of me?" He asked the most straightforward question.

The other person seemed taken aback by this question. "I thought we have a mutual understanding! I mean, we are nearly alone in this cruel world, don't you think?"

Could...this person also be an arrancar in gigai? Wondered Ulquiorra. _He said the two of us were alone in this world. Perhaps that's why he's different from the other humans._

"Why are you here, then?" The arrancar asked of 'Shizuka-chan'.

"Because of the dark politics of our country!" Lamented 'Shizuka-chan', "There is no longer a place in society for people like us! That's why we are stuck in a facility called a 'school'!"

That is indeed true. Thought Ulquiorra. Hueco Mundo never had a ruling party, it was chaotic most of the time. Even after Aizen had come, things didn't improve for the lesser arrancars, but now that he was dead, it became even worse. It came as no wonder that another arrancar had chosen to live in the human world.

"So I was thinking, we should stick together. The people are very unforgiving to ones such as us." Proposed 'Shizuka-chan'.

Ulquiorra thought this through. The other humans rarely talked to him. Especially the females who stayed as far away from him as possible. Seems like this arrancar had also encountered such difficulties. It would not hurt to have an ally, besides, this 'Shizuka-chan' reminded him of a certain hulking sidekick he had long ago...

Somewhere in Hueco Mundo, Yammy sneezed.

* * *

_-1 week 4 days ago- _

"I have pre-ordered the limited edition figurine of Yugure Maha from 'SCUFFLE!'!! Some discussion forums say that Maha-chan's panties in this version won't be the usual blue stripes, but pink! Ohh I can't wait!" Breathed Shizuka-chan alongside Ulquiorra.

"Right." Replied the arrancar.

"O-of course! Shifah-san already has the figurine! Oh please tell me if it's true about the panties!"

"Yeah."

"Oh I am so excited!"

Ulquiorra has discovered that their conversations usually carried on as such, that is, he didn't understand a word of it. But that only meant Shizuka-chan became more and more impressed with his knowledge about various nothings.

He also discovered that he had risen up the ranks in infamy since getting along with Shizuka-chan. It was all as well since no one bothered him (not that they did often before). Though now given any one time in his presence, no female students could be found. But it might just be his imagination.

No females, that is, except for Inoue Orihime.

"Ulquiorra-san!" She came running, in all her bouncing glory, up to him through the corridor. "What do you think of sweet eggs with pretzel for din-- oh."

Seemed like she noticed the short, round person.

"Umm, you look busy. I'll talk to you later, Ulquiorra-san!" She ran off as soon as she had come.

There was silence for a few seconds.

"You-you-you-you know Inoue?" Sputtered Shizuka-chan. "The most s-s-sought after girl in the school?!"

"Yeah." Shrugged Ulquiorra, why is it such a big deal he knew Inoue Orihime?

"Is...is she your friend?" Shizuka-chan's piggish eyes seem to light up. "Does she let you near her?"

"Of course."

"C-can..." The smaller person gasped, "Can you introduce me to her?"

Ulquiorra raised an eyebrow.

* * *

_-1 week 2 days ago-_

"This is Shizuka-chan," The arrancar said with a blank face, as per usual.

Orihime was uneasy, and confused as to why she was being introduced to the most notorious otaku in the school by Ulquiorra. By the way, wasn't his name Okamura?

"Umm," Being the polite girl she is, she couldn't exactly ignore others. "I'm Inoue Orihime, nice to meet you..."

Shizuka-chan only managed to gape at her, which made her even more uncomfortable. After staring at her body for about 30 seconds, the otaku finally opened his mouth.

"It...it's a 91! I can't be mistaken!"

"91?" Ulquiorra asked.

"Orihime-chan's size, of course!" Shizuka-chan replied, giving himself the liberty to refer to Orihime on first name basis. The arrancar was not too pleased with this.

"U-Ulquiorra-san." The girl twitched, "C-can I go--"

"I HAVE THE PERFECT IMAGE FOR YOU!" The otaku became very excited and seem to perspire more. "Since you are Shifah-kun's friend, you won't object, right? Right?"

"Err..."

"It's decided! THE COSTUME WILL FINALLY BE WORN!"

Shizuka-chan ran out of the school then, seemingly high on something only he knew.

* * *

_-The next day-_

"WEAR THIS! ORIHIME-CHAN!" Puffed Shizuka-chan.

He was holding in his hands a playboy bunny costume, complete with a set of fishnet stockings and ears. An expression best described in terms of drug addiction was on his face. A camera was hung around his round, almost non-existent neck.

Orihime was confused and thoroughly creeped out. How did this otaku catch her alone out of the presence of Tatsuki-chan and the others? (Or maybe some cruel author of fanfictions have decided they would get in the way of this scene) Was he stalking her? And what crazy thing was he up to now?

"What are you doing?" Asked a deep, familiar, and very indifferent voice from behind.

"T-thank goodness, Ulquiorra-san!" Cried the girl, "P-please tell Okamura-san to stop this..."

"You are mistaken, Orihime-chan." A dangerous and rabid glint was in Shizuka-chan's small eyes, "He wants to see this as much as I do! Change into the outfit, now!"

Orihime was horrified. Ulquiorra-san? An accomplice? He really is an otaku? It can't be! (Of course not, Orihime!)

"_What are you doing?"_ The arrancar asked again. This time more severely as he noted that the girl was troubled.

"Isn't it obvious?" Shizuka-chan sputtered, quite annoyed that the "head otaku" wasn't helping him out, "She is perfect for this! I have been waiting years to see a perfect cosplay of Asahina Mikuru!"

"_I don't care_." Replied Ulquiorra, his tone taking a turn for the chilling cold. "What you are doing is making her unhappy."

"W-what?! This isn't right!" Shizuka-chan's eyes became bloodshot as he became more desperate. "What is her unhappiness compared to the greater justice?! It isn't right that she should get away with this! I will not waste this chance! SHE WILL COSPLAY MIKURU-CHAN!"

He proceeded to pounce on the orange-haired girl then.

Several things happened at once. Inoue Orihime only felt a blast of wind from something moving very fast. A blur of colours was in front of her. Then the otaku flew off to her right, and straight out of the window of the second floor with a massive crash.

Ulquiorra was in front of her, one leg raised in the aftermath of a roundhouse kick. Then with all the elegance of a fighter, he returned the foot to the ground.

First thought to cross her mind: She thought she could fight with her unofficial first-dan blackbelt, but apparently, she was not fast enough.

Second thought: How did he manage to keep his hands in his pockets?

Third thought: Ulquiorra-san saved me...again.

"Are you hurt?"

She shook her head, shaken not from an encounter with a freak, but from the pure asskick the arrancar just handed out to said freak. She never knew he could move like that even in a gigai. Kurosaki-kun is an impressive fighter, but Ulquiorra-san was even more so. Much more power and skill than she had ever thought...

"Good." Said Ulquiorra, turning around and leaving as students and teachers, having heard the noise, began to arrive on the scene. "Don't wander the corridors alone."

* * *

And Ulquiorra had a 1 week suspension from school then. During the week he was absent, Orihime had been bombarded with questions about the incident from her classmates as well as students from other classes. It seemed like the otaku was a nuisance to everyone in the school, and all the students were grateful to Ulquiorra for landing him in the hospital. Unwittingly, the arrancar had become a hero amongst his small group of humans. 

"Hey, Schiffer-kun. Can you help me with this physics problem?"

"I never knew Schiffer-kun was that smart before!"

"Which part of Greenland did you come from, Schiffer-kun?"

Perhaps the incident was the direct cause of his popularity explosion with the girls too. Orihime was trying to study for the upcoming exams, but always found herself perking up at some mention of "Schiffer-kun". Looking to him, she could see he was slightly troubled by all the sudden attention. The girl suppressed a giggle at the sight.

_Ulquiorra-san's getting along fine, isn't he? I should feel happy for him._

Orihime lowered her eyes.

_If so, why do I feel a little lonely?_

tbc

* * *

**A/N:** Wow, a lot of things to explain to the perplexed reader in this chapter. First of all, 'Shizuka' came from a guy I actually knew in real life, who scared the living daylights out of me. But granted, he's not as disgusting as the otaku described in this fic, but he still calls himself by a girl's name, which was massive lulz for me until this day.  
The description of the otaku here a stereotypical one of Japanese otaku. No concern for personal hygiene, complains about the common world for 'misunderstanding' them, obsessed with the fictional world of dating simulation games and harem anime. "Gokibeki Memorial" is a parody of "Tokimeki Memorial", which is a well-known dating sim game. SCUFFLE! is a parody of the game/anime SHUFFLE!, which I hated (if you're a fan, sorry, but I really hate it. Though it has nice music), and Yugure Maha is parody of a character in there called Shigure Asa, whom I also hate XD. Everyone should know who Asahina Mikuru is, from the Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. 

So, hope that cleared up some things.

**Edit:** I always reply to signed reviews, so if you're an anon reviewer, I can only answer general questions and not respond individually. So I hope you give a signed review so I can talk to you XD Here's an extra section I use to answer some asked questions people might want to know the answers to.

**Q&A Section:**

**Q:** What's in the drink?  
**A:** Ingredients not usually found mixed together. It's Orihime, what do you expect? But there is no alcohol, surprisingly. She's a good citizen, and minor. XD

**Q:** Put Grimmjow in the story!  
**A:** I _might_...Nothing is certain.

**Q:** Update moar, biotch D:  
**A:** Yes, I'm trying to do a weekly thing now, but yet again, this isn't a promise or anything.

Until next week, then! And **review** please! It makes me a happy fangirl, and happy fangirls write better things.


	6. Ulquiorra's Subjects

**Chapter 6 : Ulquiorra's Subjects**

"AAAAHHH!!"

Orihime scratched her head and pounded the desk. A bandana with "Sure Win" painted in bold black was tied to her forehead. It was 2 in the morning.

Ulquiorra had not slept. Partially because he had recently discovered the amusing human artifact called a "television", and also because of that occasional racket Orihime made. He was sitting in front of said talking metal box, watching late-night low-budget horror shows as the human girl with the power of God wrestled with her school subjects.

"Ulquiorra-sannnn..." groaned Orihime as she put her forehead to the flat surface for the umpteenth time, "It's not fair!"

"What is? And be quiet, woman. A dead human is about to bite another human's head off."

"You never seem to study for anything at all! Yet your grades are so high!" The girl complained, "And I have to slave away to keep in the top 5 so I can go to a good university!"

In all honesty, Ulquiorra didn't get this collective human effort to memorize things in books and regurgitate them when needed. It wasn't like these things kept anyone alive in Hueco Mundo. But he did it easily enough. He is a Vasto Lorde, after all.

* * *

_--Physics--_

_"The results for the quiz...Ishida-kun, 100 as always. But you're not alone this time...Schiffer-kun also has 100."_

_There was a collective swish as everyone's head swivelled to the transfer student, who didn't spare a single glance either way. Ishida didn't look of course, being the aloof person he was. But one could only wonder that deep down, perhaps he felt slight annoyance that his place of top student was being usurped by someone from an entirely different world._

_"No on has ever gotten 100 in physics except Ishida...who is he?"_

_"I've never heard of an otaku good at schoolwork!"_

_--Math--_

_"Can uhh...Schiffer-kun come up and write out the solution to this equation?"_

_Under everyone's eyes, the otaku transfer student rose and walked to the front of the blackboard (with hands in his pockets, mind you). He picked up a piece of chalk elegantly, and wrote a series of numbers and operatives indecipherable to the common student, ending in an equal sign with the correct answer._

_The teacher's eyes widened as he flipped through the book._

_"Sch-Schiffer-kun, this wasn't how the book says...but the answer is correct..."_

_"The method in the book is longwinded and clumsy, I took the liberty of using another one." Replied the arrancar, and left the math teacher glued flabbergasted to the floor._

_...And that was how it went in nearly every academic class. In English class he would know all the hard words no one could recall. In history it would be the dates and people. Much to Ishida's chagrin, Ulquiorra tied with him at the top in nearly every subject. And to think the arrancar came from a place where there was no such thing as school!_

_Everyone thought he wasn't human, and they were right._

* * *

"Ulquiorra-san is so good at athletics too." Orihime mused, "But it must be because you were a warrior once..." 

Athletics was another thing Ulquiorra didn't get about humans. Here, bounce/kick/throw/hit a ball around but you can't claim victory by knocking someone out (as he learned, with trial and error). He must look ridiculous even to himself, despite how fun (yes, he admits it) it is...

* * *

_--Volleyball--_

_Ulquiorra jumped up with perfect timing and smacked the ball down over the net. Of course, it was too fast to have been caught by anyone._

_--Soccer--_

_The teacher would have made him run laps because he insisted on putting hands in his pockets, that is, if he didn't score the goal everytime._

_--Track and Field--_

_Not having sonido was quite a handicap. If only he wasn't up against humans._

_--Basketball--_

_Everyone reconsidered the rule that you have to be over 6 foot to play basketball well. Whoa, look at that guy jump!_

_--Baseball--_

_He never missed a pitch, ever. And the balls were never found, ever._

_The consequence was that he was bombarded by requests to join athletic clubs wherever he went. But Ulquiorra turned them all down, it conflicted with his talking box schedule. (1)_

* * *

"But..." The girl giggled, "you need to work harder in theater, art, and music...those are the only subjects I beat Ulquiorra-san in!"

* * *

_--Theater--_

_"Schiffer! I have never met a student like you in my lifetime of teaching!"_

_"Thank you, Murazaki-sensei."_

_"IT'S NOT A COMPLIMENT!" Screamed the teacher with great force. "Ishida and Sado can at least play trees and bushes, but you can't even do that!"_

_The two other boys wondered if that was a compliment._

_Ulquiorra couldn't see how it wasn't a compliment that he couldn't play trees and bushes. He was of course, best being himself rather than things that photosynthesized._

_"You will forever be a backstage! You hear? BACKSTAGE!" Murazaki-sensei had to be forcefully restrained._

_--Art--_

_"...what is this, Schiffer-kun? It's...black and...has some grey parts..."_

_"A rainbow."_

_"But...rainbows have...other colours."_

_"It's a rainbow at night."_

_"..."_

_--Music--_

_"Everyone must play an instrument! Let's start with the basics, how about the piano?"_

_A while later... _

_"...right, we're going to have to fix it...but nevermind. We'll find you an instrument...hmm...I think you would do well to play the violin."_

_After a few minutes... _

_"Err, forget the violin, try the cello."_

_It wasn't long before... _

_"...I think you just have very strong arms, maybe you can play the drums?"_

_There were some sounds... _

_"What do you mean broken sticks? Oh, is there anything you couldn't break? Try the trombone."_

_Something indescribable happened... _

_"Huh? What's that you say? I can't really hear you, Schiffer-kun, you need to speak up. What?"_

_In the end, he got a triangle to play with. Ulquiorra liked it, it was simple and effective._

* * *

As for the exams, Ulquiorra aced all academics, flunked theatre, and scraped a pass in art and music. Orihime had to beg Murazaki-sensei to give him at least another chance provided that he was, in fact, a good backstage. 

The first term of the students' final year drew to a close with the heat wave of summer. Ahh, the long-anticipated summer. Orihime thought the winter war would never end, or that she would perish before she saw it to completion. Yet she was right here, now, shading her eyes against the brigh sunlight. And beside her was the person who was an irreplacible factor in her survival.

tbc

* * *

(1) Remote reference to Lucky Star there, Konata is very good at sports but doesn't join any afterschool activities because she'd miss her evening anime. 

**A/N:** There's a disconcerting fact I've come to notice. It's the fact that...I don't read any Bleach fanfiction at all. I swear, when I find time these days, I will plough through all the UlqOri fanfiction in the C2 community, though my fear of OOC-ness and general aversion to hard angst will probably hinder me. I'm really quite picky about my animu fanfics.

**Q&A**

**Q:** Can anyone stomach Ori's food?  
**A:** Matsumoto, maybe.

So, I updated this week. Give me love, in the form of reviews. Or I shall pout, harrumph.


End file.
